Yes, sure, why not. If you are a person who has this intrinsic tendency to say yes to everything, this is for you. Over the years I realized one of my biggest weaknesses was I had difficulties saying no to the people I deeply care about and to the people I worked with. I would always go out of my way to make someone else’s life easier, to help without factoring in the consequences it will have on my own schedule and goals, and I was unaware of the fact that saying too much yes is the most undervalued form of giving and receiving. When you are always available even when you are not, it surely makes people appreciate you more, but it also doesn’t mean you get some sort of special treatment or preference after that. You might believe in giving unconditionally, but just like anything else, you must balance the act of giving as well.
My life drastically changed when I learnt when to say no to things or tasks, I had to perform by going out of my way. I am still a big believer of giving and always support my professional and social circle in the best of my capacity, but I have learned to say no when something conflicts with a goal, or another appointment. If I have scheduled a writing time, I will not sacrifice it to go help others unless it is an emergency; or if I have decided to relax one weekend, I won’t commit to social gatherings as my body needs me to take a step back and rest. We must look after our own needs before we extend our kind support to others.
The tricky part is, there is also a very thin line between looking after your own needs and being selfish. You don’t want to come across as that friend or colleague who only cares about what they want, and what they think. Giving too much is a shortcut to feeling more disappointed in life, but not giving at all also leads you down the road of failure and unhappiness. We must understand that there will be circumstances when we will have to go out of our way to help someone close to us and it is our moral responsibility to say yes when our people need us.
So, when do we say no? On any given day if someone asks me to do something for them that is not scheduled already, I ask myself three simple questions: Does it conflict with any of my current commitments? Would this person have other people to ask, or do they ask me for help a bit too much? Do they value when people support them, or they don’t and take it for granted? If you answered yes to the first question, then you must follow up with if you can reschedule it? And if that is a yes too then you must get a no for the second question for you to consider helping them and move your current commitment. If your answer to the first question is no, then really, it’s all about assessing that if this person is in a habit of only asking favours from you or if they appreciate it and you can say yes if you know this person doesn’t ask too much or always appreciates and values your help when you save the day for them.
It might sound like a few steps but just like any activity that involves steps you will get use to thinking this fast in your head once you start practicing it. The best life you can live is the one without too many expectations; but when you give too much you automatically start expecting a little more. It will require a lot of willpower to give unconditionally without expecting anything at all. As human beings most of us have the natural tendency to assess our database and check if this person asking something has ever done anything for you, and sometimes we provide our support as our first instinct; but either way if you know when to say no, you also don’t expect a yes from everyone at any given time. Everyone is different and someone who you have being doing infinite favours might believe they can only help you if they are free. In that case you will only be left with disappointment as you expect more out of this person who you gave unconditionally.
Giving must be incorporated in our way of living, and so does managing our and everyone’s expectation by knowing when to say no. Don’t go around saying too much ‘No’ now because you are learning a new trait but take small steps and really assess the situation before saying a yes or no. “The power of no is felt when said at the right time to the right person; it must not be a personality trait, it should be a calculative decision.” It is simple.
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